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Lies in therapy

Our first introduction with lying happens like most other new things in childhood. Children quickly learn to lie usually by observing adults or sometimes just by avoiding telling the truth. It can be experienced first hand during pretend play or through a family member trying to control unruly demands, or trying to teach them more socially acceptable behaviours. For instance, parents will often instruct children to lie to protect the feelings of, say, a gift-giver who gives something the child doesn't want. Children also lie as a tool to preserve their self-esteem among those who matter to them — parents, friends and teachers, and to avoid punishment. In some families, lying is encouraged in ‘stressful situations’. Dysfunctional family systems have no place in the ‘real’ world. So, to appear “normal”, both the parents and children tend to lie. Lying is a normal part of child development. 


We all shade the truth sometimes, whether it’s telling your manager that you are sick to take a leave or making up an excuse as to why you were late for dinner at your friend’s place.

This got me to asking myself the question, how could therapy be devoid of something which is so intrinsically a part of us, almost like protection? Moreover, many people haven't been taught how to have healthy, trusting relationships.These patterns get carried over into the therapy room. So, therapy, which is often seen as a sanctuary for truth and healing, is also a space where dishonesty frequently seeps in. 


Barry Farber, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University did a study which  identifies some of the most common lies told in therapy:


1. Minimising psychological distress: 54% of clients pretend to feel happier and healthier than they are.

2. Minimising the severity of symptoms: 39% downplay their symptoms.

3. Concealing thoughts about suicide: 31% hide their suicidal thoughts.


Other frequent lies include hiding insecurities, pretending to find therapy effective, exaggerating improvements, concealing substance abuse, misrepresenting relationships, and hiding negative feelings towards the therapist.


So, while therapy aims to be a space for truth and healing, navigating these lies is an inevitable part of the process. By acknowledging this reality, we can approach it with better awareness. Try to discuss with your therapist if you notice yourself wanting to lie (even if it is about just cancelling a session). 

Honesty both from the sides of the client as well as the therapist will ultimately foster more effective and genuine therapeutic relationships.


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